Confessions of a Recovering Asshole
Am I Allowed To Work Here?
When I tell people about my job at Permanent Equity, the most frequent response is, “They’re the ones with the No Asshole Policy, right?” I think most people are just making a connection with one of the juicier topics tied to the brand. But sometimes it feels like they’re questioning why I’m allowed to work here?? Because, if I’m being honest, for much of my life, I would probably have been considered an asshole.
Seeing Red
My early 20s were, in retrospect, a decade of seeing red. I co-led a creative team with a talented creator and mentor of mine who I’ll call Mike. As the deadline for a project Mike was leading neared, he was feeling the pressure to get our team to deliver a quality product. The time we told our team we’d be done came… and went. But rather than letting the team go for the day, Mike doubled down. I was growing frustrated as I watched the rest of the team become discouraged and demotivated. As my pulse quickened, my face grew hot, my shoulders tensed… I decided it was up to me to say something to Mike.
But that’s not the biggest problem, the bigger problem was… I did it in that moment and in front of everybody.
Robin Hood or Prince John?
I clearly fancied myself a Robin Hood or a Braveheart and thought that once I stood up for “the people” they would all cheer and applaud and justice and flourishing would spread across the land… or project or whatever.
That’s not what happened.
Me (in front of everybody): Mike, it’s past the time we said we’d be done.
Mike: I see that but we need to get this right.
Me: Mike, it’s time to be done.
Mike: I know but let’s just do this one more time first.
Me: Mike, you’re being disrespectful to the team right now.
Our CEO, who I had not seen walk into the room: David. That’s enough.
It was… awkward. Reading the dialogue misses my combative and emotional tone. I’m embarrassed even telling you this story right now. Did I want to genuinely help the rest of our team? Sure. But I stood there in a triggered state, and I also wanted to be seen being the one helping the rest of our team. I’m not like the other team lead, I’m the cool team lead…
Instead of the hero, I became the villain.
No Trigger Warning
Once I calmed down – I returned to my right mind, my heartbeat slowed, my face cooled, my vision seemed to grow wider – the shame set in. What the hell happened to me?! It came out of nowhere seemingly without warning. What had I done?
The answer is that I had blown it. I had to apologize to Mike (in private) and then to the team (in public). The apology salvaged the vibe enough, and we finished the project without any issues.
But if I’m honest, that moment hurt both my career trajectory at that time and my relationship with Mike. I was seen as the hothead who couldn’t be trusted with more responsibility, and my relationship with Mike never fully recovered from that. We maintained a cordial friendship and working partnership for many years. But what could have been a real partnership was instead more like a failed marriage where everyone could tell the parents were only staying together for the kids.
I try to be gracious with myself. I was not yet 24, my brain wasn’t fully developed. Impulse control was low. Biology is real. I hadn’t developed much maturity or wisdom. And Emotional Intelligence is something I’ve had to intentionally work on (Side note: The hardest part of being a dad is watching your son who is JUST LIKE YOU go through the same self-inflicted challenges in his own life. “Oh don’t do that! Can’t you see how you’re making the people around you feel?!” The answer is he can’t. At least not yet).
Yet that moment of failure (among others) stands as an important growth point on my journey. I learned:
Don’t intentionally make anyone on your team look bad in front of others, no matter how right you feel. Team trust in you will take a dive, perhaps permanently.
The time to initiate that conflict or correction IS NOT when you’re actively feeling triggered.
But it was a painful lesson. And one that I would keep learning through continued failures and mistakes.
Assholes Anonymous
I’ve been the benefactor of patient people who helped me see how my actions were making people feel. But I also had to want to grow. It’s not a given that your life will move up and to the right. Are you surrounding yourself with people who are going to help you on your road to recovery? People whom you want to be like? And are you humble enough to listen, learn, apologize, and grow?
Triggered moments are like assholes, we all got 'em, even if the details are different. It’s this commonality that is at the heart of Permanent Equity’s No Asshole Policy. It’s not about walking around categorizing people into a binary of asshole or not an asshole. It’s about understanding that we are all on a journey on the road to Asshole Recovery. Some of us are further along than others. But none of us have to be defined by our worst moment.
In fact, defining someone by their worst moment is what an asshole would do.
– by David Cover
