How to Succeed in Business By Being Unreasonable
If you want to succeed in business, you’ve got to play a few head games. Forget about building long-term relationships or playing fair – it's all about winning at any cost. Here are some tips for becoming a raging success:
Play short-term games: Who needs long-term relationships when you can make a quick buck and move on to the next deal? Don't worry about burning bridges – you can always find somebody new to pull one over on.
Cultivate a winner-takes-all mindset: It's not enough to just win – you need to crush your opponents and leave them in the dust. The pie is only so big, and it’s shrinking fast, so take everything you can get and leave nothing for anyone else.
Fake it ‘til you make it – and keep up the illusion even if you don’t: The more impressive you look, the better you’ve done. So talk up your achievements, take the credit, refuse the blame, and keep passing the buck.
Want to get a headstart on the advice above? Consider adopting a toxic player mindset. A few of our favorites are listed below:
The Big Talker: Talk a big game, even if you have no idea what you're doing (heavily influenced by the “fake it ‘til you make it” principle above). Confidence is key, and if you can convince people that you're the real deal, they'll hand over their money without a second thought.
The Apathetic Player: Who cares about the consequences of your actions? Not you, that's for sure. As long as you're getting what you want, nothing else matters. (And if you don’t, no worries – you didn’t care that much in the first place.)
The Selfish Player: You are your highest calling. Screw anyone else who gets in your way – they're just obstacles to be overcome.
The Cheater: Why play fair when you can rig the system in your favor? Cut corners, lie, and manipulate your way to the top. Who cares if you're breaking the law? You're a winner, dammit.
The One Who Quits When It's Not Going Well: If things start to go south, just bail. You don't have time for failure – you've got success to chase.
The One with Something to Hide: Hats off to all those who know where the bodies are buried and keep their mouths shut.
The Asshole: Be a jerk to everyone you meet. Who needs friends when you can irritate people into compliance?
The One with Something to Prove: Whether you think everyone’s out to get you or no one will acknowledge greatness you already have, you’re going to stick it to the haters. Even if it means crushing everyone else in your path.
The One Playing from Behind: You're behind the eight ball, but that doesn't mean you can't win. All it’s going to take is a little creative spreadsheet work to claw your way back to the top.
The One Who Won't Acknowledge an Injury: You may be wounded, but nobody needs to know that. Keep pushing through the pain, even if it means putting yourself and others at risk.
The One Who Fixes the Outcome: Rig the game in your favor. Pay off judges, bribe opponents – whatever it takes to come out on top.
The One Who Believes They Are Carrying The Team: You're the real star here, and everyone else is just vying for a piece of your spotlight. Make sure everyone knows how indispensable you are.
The Liar: Never tell the truth if a lie will serve you better. You can always backtrack later, or just keep the denial train going indefinitely.
The Paranoiac: Everyone is out to get you, and you can't trust anyone. Keep your guard up at all times, and never let anyone get too close.
So there you have it – the keys to success in business, courtesy of some of the most toxic mindsets out there. Follow these tips and you'll be raking in the dough in no time. Whatever you do, prioritize growth at all costs, default to being an asshole, never be helpful unless you’re getting something in return, impose your will on those around you, and never, ever think or act on a long time horizon.
Or, on second thought, we’d just like to wish you a Happy April Fools Day!
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