The Messy Wall
Before I built a wall I'd ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out
– “Mending Wall,” Robert Frost
We all know the wall.
"How's the family? How's work? How are the kids?"
"Great!" (Pause and smile.)
That pause/smile combo before moving on to the meeting agenda or the favor that needs asking or refilling the coffee pot? That's the wall. It's the barrier between formality and familiarity.
Answering any one of those questions truthfully is not a one-sentence reply. And it's usually messy.
Good Fences Make Good Acquaintances*
(*This is not a shot against actual fences. We love fences.)
Formality has its role. It can be helpful in setting boundaries, supporting a sequence of events, setting expectations, and maintaining a culture of fairness. But formality does not necessarily breed honesty, nor does it build deep connections or strengthen personal trust.
In TV & film, there is the concept of "breaking the fourth wall." Examples include everything from The Office to Modern Family to Deadpool. Breaking the fourth wall means the character talks directly to the audience, drawing the viewer into their confidence and usually divulging their more honest takes on the situation at hand. When a character breaks the fourth wall, they reach across the barrier of the screen and pull you into their orbit.
At the same time, people put up walls around themselves for all sorts of reasons. Keeping the people around us at arm’s-length protects us from others and lets us hide our own vulnerabilities. And, especially in the workplace, this can be the point. We recently had a conversation with someone who had started a job doing what she loved at a company she believed in. But once in the office, increasingly saw the brittle shells of formality her coworkers lived inside. The answer to, “How are you?” was always, “Good!” and no further. Even as everyone was always nice, there was a sense that something was missing in every interaction.
On screen and in real life, stronger bonds form when we cross that divide between familiarity and formality. So how do we scale the walls to meet each other face to face?
Shared Vulnerabilities
We’re all generally messy humans, which makes vulnerability a reality of living. It also means that we don’t always approach interactions with the people around us from a perfect state of relational generosity. We’re distracted, suspicious, low-energy, dismissive, defensive. Or, maybe we’re prepared for “high-stakes” or “big” interactions (which are probably more formal and regulated in the first place) and pay less attention to the small, seemingly insignificant interactions. But those small places are exactly where we chip away at the walls that keep us apart.
Deepening relationships and getting through barriers doesn’t necessarily require a full-on leap of faith – it just requires opening conversations with positive outreach, always responding when someone lowers their own guard, and turning toward opportunities to acknowledge and lean into vulnerabilities.
Shared Annoyances
A good vent session with a colleague can be one of the easiest (and most cathartic) ways to get close fast. It lets you say what everyone is thinking, let off steam, hopefully show some humor (see below), find those small quirks and shared annoyances that make the work day go round, and potentially riff on strategies or solutions (but beware – sometimes people want to just say the thing and aren’t looking for advice, no matter how sage it might be).
The point is, lending an ear to someone who needs to vent, even if you’re just acknowledging and not responding, can make your relationship more meaningful. But there’s another line between venting and complaining. The former acts as a release valve while the latter compounds in all the wrong ways and is unlikely to build a foundation for a strong relationship.
Shared Laughs
Use humor. It sounds basic, but when faced with formality in the workplace, people generally default to the same level of formality, which doesn’t really lend itself to funny. We’re often scared of bringing humor to the workplace for fear of being seen as unserious or of doing it wrong – and therefore adding another layer of brick to the walls rather than breaking them down.
But nothing brings us together faster than a shared laugh, and your use of humor doesn’t have to be comedy-special funny to be effective. It just has to provide an opening and an invitation for the people around you to come a little closer by showing that you’re willing to lower your own barriers an inch or two.
Shared Objectives
Whether you’re venting about a customer’s paper order or putting someone’s stapler in jello for a laugh, the idea is to open some doors to common ground, deeper connection, and relationships that nourish. Finding shared goals and objectives can do the same thing. And we’re not talking about goals like “get the slide deck together by the end of the day,” although having shared objectives can help get those tasks done.
Instead, it’s about finding people to share the broader goals with you – sometimes work-related, but not always.
Formality has its uses in the workplace and beyond – there’s compelling research on how veering into too much or the wrong type of familiarity in the workplace can lead to bad actions or can actually backfire. But for our money, those possibilities pale in comparison to the fulfillment, belonging, productivity, and collaboration that bloom when we start to peek over the walls we’ve built and encourage the people around us to do the same.
Walls do things. And we all have them. Make sure you know what they’re doing – what they’re keeping in and keeping out – and when you should build doors and windows or tear them down entirely.
